We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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