I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
