can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
