no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
