Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
