I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
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I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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