I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
