so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
