Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He passed out mid-signature
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
