4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
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I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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