I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
