the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
