it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
