well you can't waste a boner
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
