sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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