I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Randomize