I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
