this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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