I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
