Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
