i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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