Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
