i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
