she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
