How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
