The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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