i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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