Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
