The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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