im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
