I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Found the puke drawer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
