now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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