Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
