i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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