so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
