She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
