MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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