i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
