3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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