and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
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I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
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At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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