I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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