Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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