after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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