I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
