My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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