I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
