so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
