I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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