i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
