wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
