my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
