All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
