Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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