Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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