Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
