This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
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I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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