Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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