Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
