Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
